


No mark

by Alexgalaxies



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Comfort, Depression, F/F, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, References to Suicidal Tendencies, could be read as thasmin, not specifically thasmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22661767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexgalaxies/pseuds/Alexgalaxies
Summary: After everything going on with Yaz she needs someone to talk to, that happens to be the Doctor.Or Yaz tells the Doctor why she doesn't want to be late coming home.(Title from Yaz calling her sister a 'No mark')
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 10
Kudos: 109





	No mark

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: References Depression, and implied suicidal intentions. Read at your own risk and stay safe! You are loved <3 Everything get's better.

Yaz sat on the steps within the TARDIS. She was twiddling her thumbs trying to gather up the courage to talk to the Doctor. Her mental state had backtracked since her nightmare on the ship. The boys had gone home for the evening this was the perfect time to say  _ something. _ “Doctor I need to talk to you,” She finally spoke up.

The Doctor’s head whipped over to face her. “Sure? What’s on your mind?” She was more cheery than the situation called for.

Yaz thought on how to broach the topic in a way that wouldn’t ruin the Doctor’s optimism. “Well,” She stood up. “How we were late before actually,” Her hands moved upon their own accord, they seemed to be weighing something invisible.

The Doctor’s shoulders tensed up. Her nose scrunched itself. Her feet walked over to Yaz. “Please don’t say your extremely upset, because I didn’t mean to, really,” It was genuine, she really hadn’t meant to be off on the timing. She was preparing for Yaz to be angry. The companions were always angry. It’s not like she did it on purpose. 

Yaz looked up trying not to assign blame on the Doctor in her head. Finally, she found her words and said them. “Well, not with you? I just need to talk about it okay?” She needed to get on with it before she lost her nerve.

The Doctor softened her voice. “Okay, I’m here,” She leaned her head down to catch Yaz’s eyes with her own. 

Yaz looked away from the Doctor’s face. It was difficult enough with what she wanted to say and the added intensity of the Doctor was almost too much. “I was upset because I told Sonya a time, I asked you for a time, she gets worried when I don’t follow through, especially with what it was-”

The Doctor couldn’t help herself. This conversation was tense and she couldn’t tell exactly what it was or how to fix it. Her mouth just decided to make sounds. “Seems like a stickler for timeliness eh- people make mistakes all th-” It was essentially an attempt at justifying the mistake.

Yaz held up a hand in frustration. It suddenly felt harder to speak. “Doctor, please, this isn’t me scolding you, I just need you to understand why it’s important and I need to talk about it,” She clarified the situation.

The Doctor’s face softened. It clicked, this wasn’t about her at all, this was all about Yaz and the fact that Yaz needed to confide in someone. The Doctor quickly guided them to sit down. “I’m sorry, please continue, not another peep from me,” She pretended to zip her lips and threw away the key.

Yaz closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She composed herself. “It was an anniversary. It’s important, to her, to me-” She paused trying to decide whether or not to get deep into what had happened. “She gets worried about me because I almost did something stupid, very stupid. I’m like you, was like you… was how you were?”She balled up a fist and placed it against her forehead.  _ You’re not stupid I didn’t mean it to sound like- AHH shut up.  _ She internally shouted at herself for misspeaking. “Sorry, I’m nervous. I wasn’t calling you stupid,” The Doctor nodded. “I ran away a long time ago, from home, and I wasn’t planning on coming back,”

_ Oh, like me like that.  _

Yaz looked down at the floor. Her mind replayed the situation, the conversation with the cop woman. “Sonya was the one who called for help because she thought I’d do something stupid,” The feelings she harbored at the time resurface like they do when she thinks about what happened. She looked back up at attentive hazel eyes. “I was there thinking no one cared about me, I had no hope for anything better, my parents didn’t get what I was going through,” She shook her head. “Sonya was the only one who had any proper idea about what was happening with me, and her caring almost didn’t feel like enough anymore. I didn’t care,” She paused. The gravity of her words felt like it was enough to cause the ground the collapse into itself. Luckily they were in the TARDIS so that couldn’t happen.

The Doctor couldn’t help it, she grabbed Yaz’s hand and held it, some attempt at comfort. Yaz welcomed the contact, it made her feel grounded, this was all real and the Doctor was here listening to her.

Her train of thought pushed the nightmare to the forefront of her mind. “My nightmare, it was about when I ran away. It starts off where I’m alone on the highway, then I see Sonya. She tells me ‘do it right this time,’ that she ‘won’t be calling anyone, there’s no point,’ I’m weak, I run, and that ‘no one is coming for me,’ Then I see the cop woman ‘Anita Patel’ behind me, Sonya says ‘you’re alone in the dark,’ I turn back to her and she’s gone then the Anita is gone too. I run from my problems, that’s what I did then. She said that I was too weak to go through with  _ it _ . When they disappear, I’m just alone. In that headspace, stuck with Sonya’s words in my mind. I sit there feeling unimportant, and unloved, and misunderstood. A waste of space…” She felt the tears streaming down her face.  _ When did that happen? _

The Doctor quickly wiped the streams way with her free hand. She kept quiet as promised, knowing Yaz had more to say.

This felt like the time to talk about everything she had been feeling in the past weeks. “Then when I thought I died, it felt like I had only put off the inevitable, I was meant to die, all the work I put into getting better... I thought I had let Sonya down…” She trailed off, feeling the pressure of everything that had built up.

The Doctor’s face changed subtly.  _ Worry. _ The same worry Yaz saw in Sonya’s eyes more often than she’d like.

She shook her head. She didn’t want to be pitied right now. This wasn’t the point of the conversation. “None of it mattered, because you were still there but you were different and I felt like I couldn’t reach out because you had your own stuff going on, I couldn’t very well ask for you to tell me I was important or that I this  _ human _ mattered and it wouldn’t have been genuine,” 

The Doctor squeezed her hand. An ‘I’m here for you,’

A little bit of optimism made its way to the surface so Yaz wasn’t feeling wholly terrible. “But something did help me a little bit, you believe that I am important, I try to replace that voice in my head that’s screaming that I don’t belong here with the one that’s yours saying ‘we can’t have a universe with no Yaz,’ or when that scorpion lady said I wasn’t important and then you barged in saying that you disagreed with her, it helps.” Yaz couldn’t help her brief smile.

Her mouth flattened itself. “It’s just sometimes, that voice of doubt, the depression clouds over my brain and I can’t really argue with the constant looming presence, sometimes it’s just a whisper and that’s enough, it nudges me back into that headspace,” She looked to see if the Doctor understood what she meant.

The Doctor nodded silently answering her.

Remembering the point that sparked her need to talk about everything that had happened she spoke. “Keeping my promise to Sonya is what’s most important to me, I can’t make a habit of worrying her especially when I’m already not around a lot, she cares about me. She pretends that we’re normal sisters we make fun of each other and all but I hate to think what goes on in her mind when I’m not there when I say I’ll be, she shouldn’t have to worry about me  _ that way _ . I know it’s my fault, but it’s also not? Does that make any sense?”

The Doctor nodded. “It’s not your fault, not one bit,” She pulled Yaz into a much-needed hug. “What happened to you was not your fault, don’t ever believe it,” She swallowed. It hurt to think about what she knows about Yaz and what has happened to her, even beyond what she had just revealed. A part Yaz really believed that she deserved what had happened to her. “I’m sorry, I made you late, I’ll try not to let it happen next time,” She squeezed Yaz tighter. “You are important Yasmin Khan, and I’m glad Anita was there for you and that you are still here,” 

Yaz’s tears returned full force, and she began sniffling trying to stop crying. Her voice catching in her throat every few seconds.

The Doctor’s voice was soft and caring. “Yaz, it’s okay, you can cry,” She stroked Yaz’s back. 

Yaz let her tears fall. She held onto the Doctor like her life depended on it. Her arms tightened their grip on the blonde.

“Please don’t wait so long to talk about anything like this again, and it doesn’t have to be me unless it should concern me of course,” The Doctor felt sad, she was feeling for Yaz, but a part of her was also just glad that Yaz was still here. “I didn’t mean to leave you in the dark feeling like you couldn’t talk to me,” Her voice got more serious but still soft. “You are never a bother to me, you know that right?”

Yaz leaned back. She looked the Doctor in her eyes. The Doctor saw the redness in her eyes and her puffy cheeks. She nodded lightly. The Doctor cradled her face in her hands and kissed her forehead. Yaz let the soft smile find its way onto her face. Her voice wavered as she spoke. “Thank you for letting me talk to you about all of this,” Her lip quivered.

The Doctor smiled at her. “Any time,” The Doctor let herself be hugged again. She returned the hug back to Yaz and hugged her for as long as Yaz saw fit.


End file.
